Verily, in the days of old, I didst scroll upon TikTok in peace and great gladness of heart. But lo, a grievous plague hath come upon our WiFi, and behold — TikTok is no more.
For I didst open mine app, and there appeared unto me these words: “No Connection.”
And I cried aloud, saying, “What manner of foolishness is this?!”
Some among the multitude spake unto me, saying, “Be not troubled, for we yet have access unto other sites.”
But I say unto thee, this satisfieth me not!
For if I am to render my silver and gold unto this institution, then surely TikTok must be TikToking!
Consider, brethren, the sum of our tribute:
Cable, Mailbox, and Internet — yea, even $179 in total.
When divided thrice, each soul payeth near $60 for this humble and wretched signal.
Shall a man pay sixty pieces and receive naught but spinning wheels and loading screens? Nay, I say!
And the elders of the campus declare, “It is because there are many students upon the land.”
CHAT PLEASE.
Did not the builders of this university knoweth there would be many?
This is as if McDonald’s didst run out of fries at the noon hour, and the workers spake unto the people, saying, “Too many customers.”
Surely, such words are folly!
Behold, some students must needs forsake the WiFi altogether, fleeing unto the land of cellular data, that they might watch their TikToks in secret.
Then, like a prodigal child returning home, they reconnect when it is time to labor upon their homework.
This is not education; this is tribulation.
Where, O where, is mine 5G?
Shall I lift mine eyes unto AT&T?
Shall I cry aloud unto Verizon or even Boost Mobile, that they might deliver me?
For truly, if I am to pay $60 for WiFi, I desire not merely a signal, but full bars, mighty speed, and perhaps an angel of hotspots sprinkling bandwidth upon my device.
Until that day cometh, TikTok shall remain as forbidden fruit — hidden, untouchable, and lost unto us.
And I shall dwell in silence, yea, even on airplane mode, weeping and gnashing my teeth.
