Dear Diary,
Today I was really sick. After about three weeks of flu symptoms that just wouldn’t go away, my mother insisted I go to the doctor. Knowing that I had diabetes, she didn’t want me to take any chances. So I went. During a routine blood test to see if my blood sugar was OK, the doctor asked me to sign my consent to an HIV test…routine, so I thought. I guess I looked really sick. Thinking nothing of it, I signed and waited for the results…which I just knew were going to be negative…
Unfortunately, those results never came back negative for Susan*. It was soon discovered that the then 26-year old had AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome). Not HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus), but AIDS, in its full blown stage. After finding out that this disease was now in her slender frame, Susan was in sudden shock.
“I didn’t think something like this happened to college educated African-American women who have degrees from Southern University,” said Susan.” (I thought) this doesn’t happen to people like me…people with one partner…(My partner and I) had openly discussed not using protection because we knew the other person was clean.”
Susan and her partner were engaged to be married. Three years ago, there wasn’t a doubt in Susan’s mind that her Marine-enlisted fiancé was infected with the life altering disease.
“He was in the military and a musician. We were going to get married and have the two-car garage…all of that good stuff. This happened to crack heads, homeless people and women who just slept around with every Tom, Dick and Harry. This (the diagnosis) was a mistake. It just didn’t happen to people like me.”
Ironically, Susan’s fiancé was being tested at the same time as she. However, because of confidentiality laws, she never knew until she received a phone call.
“He called me the next day asking all kinds of questions…and I haven’t heard from him since. That was three years ago. I don’t know if he’s dead or alive. If he is alive, I hope he’s using protection and not spreading it to other people.”
Around the the time Susan had found out she was infected, she also learned that her fiancé had been cheating with another woman.
“If he gave it to me, he probably gave it to her,” said Susan. However, Susan didn’t feel it was her place at the time to contact the woman about her possible exposure.
“I‘ve been criticized for not trying to get in touch with her. At the time I was angry and didn’t feel it was my responsibility because…he cheated on me. I felt like, if I have it, damn it, you’re going to live with it too. I don’t feel like that now, because so many African-American women are being hit hard.”
Susan’s social life has suffered from her diagnosis.
“I tell people straight up. A lot of times the phone doesn’t ring afterwards… at all. I’ve kind of become used to that. Because whoever is in my life has to accept it.”
Fortunately for Susan, her family and friends have stood beside her. They were very protective at first, knowing that she has diabetes as well as AIDS. However, Susan has proved to them and so many others that she can hold her own, even when the bad days seem to outweigh the good.
*Names have been changed to protect the identities of persons in this article.
