My sexuality does not define me

Recently I was reminded of April 22, 2005. That was the day that my editorial, “Lesbian and Christian” was published in the Digest. There was an uproar, not only on campus, but off campus as well. Most people were shocked and furious because I had placed homosexuality and Christianity in the same context. Pastors, professors and students expressed to me their feelings about the editorial, most of which were negative, nonetheless I listened to what they had to say.
Since I received responses about the article, I have questioned my sexuality on and off. Yet not in the sense of if I am truly lesbian because I am, but whether or not my sexuality blinds most people, especially people in the South. I question if it blinds them from seeing who I really am?
Numerously, I have grown restless from the stares and examinations from the people out here. Most of them don’t even know my name, but they can assume and label my morality “immoral”, based on the way I look and dress. Lately, it has infuriated me that they’d rather probe into my sexual lifestyle than critique my capabilities and search the contents of my heart.
I am tired of men asking, “Why do I hate men?” Sometimes I feel as if their minds are too feeble to comprehend that just because I am a lesbian, does not mean I hate men. Yet they choose to take the fact that I am not attracted to them, and exchange it as being a direct hatred towards them. My three younger brothers will be men soon and I wouldn’t want a woman to hate them because of their gender. Honestly, I am quite fond of men, especially strong black men that stand in the midst of tribulations and walk with dignity and pride.
It pisses me off when “straight” women think that I am trying to “turn them out.” Because if I were able to get on a sexual level with a “straight” woman, more than likely that “straight” woman wanted to be “turned out” in the first place. I just wish they would realize that I have better things to do with my time, such as writing, studying and preparing for graduation… Oh, yes, and spending time with my GIRLFRIEND.
It upsets me when some people assume that I am a woman posing to be a man, based on the fact that I wear men’s shirts, pants and shoes. I am fully aware that I am a female with curvaceous hips, full breasts and a monthly menstrual cycle like any other female. My clothing doesn’t take away from my gender, it’s just what I am comfortable wearing.
I am drained from hearing all of the whispers and seeing the fake smiles of people who talk about me. I wonder if they realize that like them, my body consists of flesh, blood, a soul and emotions. Sometimes words which were meant to be veiled, yet still go heard can hurt. I’d rather a person speak negatively about me to my face, than put on a façade when we encounter each other.
Everywhere I turn out here, there is always someone trying to hit me with their prejudice belt, shred my inner essence and attack me with preconceived notions because I have vowed not to abide by the rules of this conformist methodical southern civilization.
I will not change my sexuality because pastors have told me that I am going to hell. But I will tell them to look behind the pew and count how many men in the choir wrists are broken. I assume that there will be at least five of them.
Nor will I lessen my ethical values to fit in with those whom call themselves superior, but become inferior when they choose not to judge me based on my character, but my so-called sexual immorality.
I refuse to wear a muzzle over my mouth and chop my hands off so that I won’t be able to speak or write down the thoughts that bombard me.
Lastly, those whom have said that they are praying for me, please continue to do so, because everyone needs prayer. And I will pray that the people who are too blind realize that they aren’t blind at all. They just need to open their damn eyes and see that a person’s sexuality does not make them any better or any less of a person, it’s the contents of their heart, so analyze that!
-Love Each Day-